Sometimes I think I’m a fraud. I’m sure I am. I have a lot of hobbies and interests and start new projects yet over time a lot of them end up on the back burner. At times I thought I could be a writer or blogger. At times I’ve thought I was one. But how can I be? I have a hard time coming up with ideas for blog posts and getting my thoughts out on paper (unless I’m journaling in my personal journal). Successful bloggers can write posts week after week or month after month for years and I have no idea how they can do it. My stories also can go months or years without me touching them.
For a long time I’ve wanted to be a published author. L. M. Montgomery was a big influence with her Emily of New Moon trilogy and Anne of Green Gables series. When I was in junior high and watched and read about Emily Byrd Starr, I wanted to be a future writer just like her. She inspired me to start writing poems and stories.
Yet I’ve also had many fears around my writing, often thinking it’ll never be good enough to ever be published. While I can write a story, I have a very hard time revising my stories-adding to or subtracting from them, changing things too much. I can only seem to do small technical revisions such as changing a word here or there. I get too attached to my stories and have a hard time letting go and changing them in big enough ways. That’s not a mark of a true writer. A true writer can edit their work to help make it better and more publish-worthy.
With both writing stories and poems as well as blogging, I’ve also thought at times that maybe I could help others with my writing however I’m not sure I can actually do that either. I sometimes wonder if what I write is worth putting out there. My blogs have always been very small-honestly, I doubt very many people read them at all. Part of that is likely because I am so inconsistent with posting new content. Even if I was better at posting content more consistently, I think my blogs would always be tiny and not read much. I don’t know that I would want to be a super famous, popular blogger or writer, nevertheless I would like them to be able to help someone out there. Even just a little. I like creating characters and stories and blog posts that might be relatable to some people. I try to create characters who I can relate to, at least, because I like relatable characters.
At times I debate about whether I should continue this blog that ends up being neglected so much…or whether I should take it down. In general, with having so many hobbies and interests, I often have many unfinished projects. I have a hard time finishing what I start. And many projects end up neglected. My websites as a whole often go months or years without being updated. I have a hard time finding enough motivation, energy and willpower to sit down and really work on my projects. I’ve never been good at working hard or applying myself. My depression and anxiety don’t help either. Even chores like cleaning my room can be a pain. My room is constantly a mess (although that might be a trait of some creative people) and while I want it to be clean, I often have a hard time actually finding the motivation and drive to clean it.
There are definitely both pros and cons to having a ton of hobbies and interests. While it adds variety, it can also become overwhelming and burn me out easily. I’m also not sure if I could ever make a career out of any of my hobbies and interests. I don’t think I have many talents at all (do I even have any?) and am not sure what I could do as a career. Part of it also comes back to the hard work that is involved. I’m not good with anything dealing with financials. With my stories, I don’t have an agent or editor or anything like that and have no idea how to go about even trying to get anything published. I have a children’s story that I would love to see published someday yet am too afraid to try. Like with most of my dreams, being a published author seems like a pipe dream. A far off dream that I’m not capable of reaching. I’m also sure that my blog will also always be just a hobby-if I decide to keep it up-and I’m fine with that.
I do wish that I knew how I could help others best. I wish I had a purpose in my life however I don’t think I have one. And maybe that’s something else I need to learn to be okay with. I struggle with being okay about a lot of things in my life. I have some perfectionist tendencies even though I’m definitely nowhere near perfect. At times I wish I was. I tend to be very hard on myself when it comes to certain things. Very negative with self-fulfilling prophecies. And all my fault because I only have myself to blame for my actions, choices and behaviors. I still have so much that I feel like I need to change. I continue to struggle with feeling worthy of the big things I want in my life. I still struggle with loving and accepting myself for who I am and for feeling worthy and enough as I am. I have a hard time with change. Yet my negativity won’t get me to where I want to be. But I fear that even if I could eventually truly feel worthy and deserving of the big things I want and of good, positive opportunities, etc. that somehow they still wouldn’t be in my future. That whether or not I’m deserving of them, they’re not meant for me. Because there are no guarantees in life.